Recently, the MCU announced the long awaited casting decisions for the Fantastic Four going forward.
The cinematic stories showcasing “Marvel’s First Family” have been rather substandard at best. There was a nearly forgotten 90s movie followed by two lackluster films in the mid 2000s. There was promise when a new version was to be displayed in the mid 2010s with stars Miles Teller and Michael B. Jordan, resulting in Fan4stic Four, one of the worst comic book movies ever made. I never thought I would see a superhero film stoop that low again.
Enter Madame Web.
By now, you no doubt have heard the bad reviews of the film. Well, after seeing such a film, I need to vent. I apologize if my ramblings don’t have any sense or direction, but I promise it will be more sense and direction than this film is striving for. After a flashback to the death of a pregnant spider researcher of some kind in the jungles of Peru in 1973, we flashforward to 2003 (more on that choice in a bit) and see the grown up child, Cassie Webb (Dakota Johnson, who can now say that the 50 Shades trilogy is not the most embarrassing part of her career). A paramedic in New York , she survives a brush with death, and she starts getting funny, clairvoyant visions of certain things she can’t explain (nor can the movie).
Eventually, she comes in contact with Ezekiel Sims (Tahar Rahim), the same researcher who killed Cassie’s mother (she does not know this at first). He also has clairvoyant tendencies, as he is constantly seeing his own death at the hands of three women who will grow up to have Spider-like powers such as himself (he dawns a suit that somewhat resembles that of a web crawler). He eventually fines these three but as teenagers, and hunts them down. The three (Sydney Sweeney, Isabel Merced, and Celeste O’Connor) are eventually on the run with Cassie.
Okay, that is the most of the plot I am going to say, because I can’t hold in more how truly terrible this film is. First off, I am not one who is the best at seeing the obvious when it comes to product placement unless the filmmakers are so shameless about it. In this case, the product is clearly Pepsi.
Secondly, as stated before, the film takes place in New York in 2003. Webb works as a paramedic. Unless she is new on the job, there is a good chance she would have been affected by working during the 9/11 attacks that occurred two years before the events of the film. Maybe it is just me, but I would think some mention of it in the film would be warranted.
There are also moments where the girls are talking (it should be noted they are not friends before they are taken by Cassie) and they use the phrase “Hangry” (a combination of Hungry and Angry, in case you didn’t know: I don’t know who is reading this but if you are much love.) I was a teenager in 2003, and I can assure you the term “Hangry” was not around for at least decade or so.
I am sure that Tahar Rahim is a good actor (he was recently in Napoleon), but his performance is on another level of atrocity. There is nothing sinister about him, and we don’t have any true back story to feel anything about him. It also does not help that he looks the exact same as he did 30 years prior (maybe that was part of the spider powers he has, but I don’t think so.) The result is one of the lamest of comic book villains displayed on screen that I can remember.
This is the first film for director S.J. Clarkson, though she does have many credits to her name for episodes of television. Sadly, this could seem apparent when you realize sections of this film do look like a movie made for TV (and mean “straight to the CW” type of thing.) I’m not saying she is bad at her job, but that something just really did not work out in her favor.
It wasn’t even until after the movie that I realized that the character of Ben (Adam Scott), who is Webb’s co-worker, is actually supposed to be Ben Parker, a.k.a. “Uncle Ben”. This, of course, means we know who Mary Parker (Emma Roberts) is giving birth to (her husband, Ben’s brother, is MIA for the film). Scott is actually one of the only decent things of the film, since he does give the vibe you would expect out of a young Ben before his death inspires his future nephew.
Parents, there is nothing nudity wise or anything in this PG-13 movie, but don’t take your kids, spouse, or self to this. Love yourself and them enough. Kids, if for some reason you are grounded and are therefore unable to go to the movies for the next few days, consider it a blessing.
There were no more than five or so in the theater with me, and I was the only one who stayed to see the mid/end credit scene(s). There was none, and that may be the best part of the whole film.
Regardless of where you reside in the multiverse, this film sucks.
Overall:
Nothing else to say 