In the past month, I found myself doing something I never imagined I would do in my time on this planet:
I started watching Hallmark movies.
My first was Holiday Road, followed by titles such as Christmas with a Kiss, On the 12th date of Christmas, A Biltmore Christmas, Norwegian Holiday, and Christmas on Cherry Lane. Much of this was “pressure” from my insistent (and wonderfully amazing) cousin Monroe.
Honestly, they were not terrible when you go in with a certain mind set.
With the next ten movies, there was still varying degrees of twinge of terrible regardless of the mindset one brings to it. Even with some movies I missed, and others I didn’t (as represented in the photo above), I managed to see ten pieces of true dreck this past year.
10.
The biggest box office surprise of the year, Sound of Freedom is surely a competently made film with possibly the hardest subject matter to pick the wrong side to be on. That said, the somewhat predictable plot (which may be have been QAnon inspired) would be forgettable if it were not for the obscure QR code at the end of the film (for people to buy a ticket for others not able to see the movie otherwise) to remind me of a subject that I already knew was immoral.
9.
With the exception of season two of Loki, 2023 was a rather vile year for the MCU. Film wise, nothing was more disappointing than The Marvels (unless you count the whole thing with Jonathan Majors), despite the effortlessly charming Iman Vellani.
8.
As beautiful and charming as Gal Gadot is, I’m trying hard to think off the top of my head what she was memorable in after playing Diana in the two Wonder Woman films. If it weren’t for this list, I am wagering the half hearted attempted Heart of Stone will be back in my memory box for some time.
7.
It seems the late great WIlliam Friedkin’s masterpiece The Exorcist is so influential it even reaches the Christian film market. Throw in elements of Se7en and some very bad over acting and you get Nefarious.
6.
What did I just say about The Exorcist? Well, it reached the idea center of the mind of David Gordon Green (once a great poet of indie cinema), who tried to do to The Exorcist what he did to John Carpenter’s Halloween. The result? The Exorcist: Believer, which is apparently having two more follow ups that very few will ask for.
5.
To say that Zach Snyder (who has had made a couple films I have admired in the past) is a “style over substance” type of filmmaker is a gross understatement. In the case of his latest film Rebel Moon – Part One: A Child of Fire (which is his answer to Disney not letting him make a Star Wars film), there is hardly any substance to start with. While the film is indeed pretty to look at, it is proof a film can be full of cliches and tropes and still be confusing.
4.
Meg 2: The Trench teaches us that you can survive without ocean gear at the ocean floor for a short amount of time if you hold your breath in your sinuses or something. This happens after a character’s head explodes from her helmet breaking.
3.
In my review of Love Again, I made fun of the Hallmark Channel, saying they had lost a movie from their vaults. Now, having seen some movies from HC, I owe them an apology.
2.
Throughout the year, I have not used a movie as a punchline more so than The Flash. Ezra Miller may have some issues (to say the least) in his personal life, but he is far from the worst part of the film. It is really a conglomeration of things from uninterested actors, a lackluster storyline (despite its source material), and some seriously craptacular CGI. I was beyond convinced this movie would be at the top (bottom?) of the list, but one man changed that…
1
.…and that man’s name is Kevin Sorbo. While he seems like a nice guy, his politics can indeed push the envelope for some people. Even if you agree with him on political issues, his newest attempt at directing (as well as staring) in a feature film is so much an atrocity that I would not blame you for even having heard of the film. That film is Left Behind: Rise of the Anti-Christ. It is hard to ignore the politics he injects into the material, and even harder to ignore the fact that he has made a true turd of a film.
Note: The only reason I saw it was because my friend Tyler saw it, and I did not want him to have had to suffer alone. If you are reading this Tyler, you need to look me in the eye, and apologize.
Nothing else to say 