Two weeks ago, I was experiencing back pain that I was more than likely sure were kidney stones. While the pain was not as severe as it had been in the past, it lasted enough days for me to double check with the doctor. Well, turns out it wasn’t a kidney stone…it was two.
My friend Peter said it best: “You are one stone away from an Infinity Gauntlet”.
As luck would have it, the day I saw the doctor was also the day I had previously scheduled a root canal.
Yeah, not the most fun of days.
While I may be out of the woods now, I still have enough bottled anger in me to be released, which thankfully is around this time of year, when I make my list of the worst movies of 2022.
While I am grateful to have missed such supposed stinkers as Don’t Worry Darling, Blonde, Firestarter, and The Bubble, there were still some other movies I saw that did not make this list due to simple luck: Black Adam, Uncharted, The Sky is Everywhere, The Adam Project, Moonshot, and Spiderhead.
The next ten? Not so lucky…
Not gonna lie, I definitely need to research The Gray Man as I made this list, because, aside from the movie starring Ryan Gosling and Chris Evans, I remembered nothing else about this undistinguished Netflix film.
The only thing I imagine that is shocking to anyone who saw Morbius is that it isn’t higher (lower?) on this list. Like the victims of the protagonist, this film was dead on arrival, despite Matt Smith at least having fun as the villain.
Of all the movies to come out this year, perhaps The Lost City was the one that just rubbed me the wrong way the most. Then again, it says something when the best part of the film gets shot in the head.
It is never a fun thing to realize that nostalgia cannot save movies you saw as a child. That was the case for me with the original Hocus Pocus. While 2022 had some solid sequels (especially for those that took time to be made, that was not the case for this time waste of a sequel, Hocus Pocus 2.
In another universe, it is most likely a movie directed by David O. Russell that has a stacked cast of talent that is too full to type out would have worked. Alas, we are not in that universe, and are stuck with Amsterdam.
While Hocus Pocus 2 at least tried to add some form of thought and heart to its story, the same could not be said for Jurassic World: Dominion. Most likely forgotten by those who never saw it, it hopefully finally put this franchise to some form of extinction.
It may not be the worst film Roland Emmerich has made, but Moonfall still comes rather close. If this movie had an audience, I’m not sure they are making themselves known anytime soon. Very few movies lack this much sense.
The only positive thing about the live action remake of Pinocchio (not to be confused with the far superior version you can see on Netflix, directed by Guillermo Del Toro) is that it may finally get Disney to realize these redos of their classics need to stop. This may be the worst Tom Hanks film I have seen.
I saw Jeepers Creepers: Reborn only because I thought it would get me on an episode of my friend Mike’s podcast, Game for a Movie Podcast. It didn’t, and I don’t know if anything else can. There is no reason this film should exist.
I was prophetic in the reason why I ended up seeing 2000 Mules: no other movie anyone said was the worst they’d seen in 2022 would be worse than this. I was correct. Even if what Dinesh D’Souza said was true (which it wasn’t), he could have at least done us the courtesy of not having to make it the equivalent of an aforementioned kidney stone. A review on Letterboxd said it best: It is The Matrix for people no longer invited to family gatherings.
For those of us having to endure this winter storm this Christmas season, keep warm…by burning these movies out of your memory.